As I mourned for my son Marc, I tried to be honest about how I grieved. I knew if I didn’t deal in reality about my loss, if I hated the defendants or developed fear about death or the murderer… I’d be a “goner.” I’d end up half alive, (or half dead.) I could visualize what it would be like to be a shell of a person, peering out from behind the curtains of life, while others went on with living. Was my fate to be a mom just wallowing in “flashbacks” the rest of her life? If I blocked out my anguish, I knew I’d be like so many lost souls, eaten alive by the specter of death.
Never let your grief overwhelm to the point you let your health or sanity go, fight back!
In my time of deep, unexpected loss I’m glad I kept to my own counsel. I was fortunate to find good articles on grief, and find comfort from shows on TV where other parents shared how they found peace and promise instead of depression or hopelessness. I read what God says about death and suffering. Most of all it’s important to listen to your heart… it knows what it feels, and your spirit will guide you in the right direction for you.
Marc was such an inspiration as he could pretty much take what others say and assess it as being sound or not. When we’d watch a news program we knew if we were getting honest “facts” or if we were getting a bad vibe from someone trying to manipulate our thoughts. We have to practice thinking for ourselves about things, because this Age can be so impersonal. And what we really need in order to heal is to allow ourselves to be raw and open to others, this ties us to people and God in dimensions that words alone can’t express.
When you are at your wits end trying to hold things together, reach out. Personal relationships and solid advise from others who’ve traveled this road are where it’s at. Going out and buying material objects, traveling in order to force the pain down isn’t the answer. Your mind needs to sift thru all the info and flashbacks bombarding it… this takes time. Listen to your heart, it knows what you need and it will show you a new perception of life. This doesn’t mean you ‘forget’ your child, but you allow God to bring you into another realm of life that respects your child’s meaning on earth.
3/15