I never mentioned this huge issue but after Marc passed I remember feeling twinges of panic or guilt. I asked myself ‘was there something I could have done differently’, ‘am I guilty of something re: Marc’? Perhaps every parent asks him/herself this? I’m not completely satisfied with my assessment of myself but I can’t make Marc’s memory live on if I keep dwelling on some nebulous guilt. Do I have regrets …. of course I have a few, but I also have many instances of our love, hard work and sharing that are stronger.
Some people spend way too long in the land of guilt! Some don’t take any responsibility for their child’s life or death ….. it’s like they have severed from them. And some keep asking ‘why’? They just leave their thinking caps at the foot of the coffin, and get victimized by all these feelings they just dare not deal with.
Another pain loved ones deal with is the kind of crime Marc endured! The fact he had to go thru such pain, terror is still too hard to write about, or entertain in my heart. My mind, heart can’t contain the pain more than a few seconds! This is one of the other pains I go thru, but I can’t just stay mad at God! Or the defendant. It’s one of the pains that diminishes over time, because you don’t think about it as often but the horror is still there.
There are different griefs or sadnesses. One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that Marc had this great love for life, and now he’s lost out on seeing his dreams come true! Also, deep pain comes from the fact our family is so devastated he’s gone! It’s just a crazy awful thing that some never can deal with, and I feel so sad for them. We will miss the family banter of wondering what Marc will be doing next? When we’ll see him? I don’t want to sound so legalistic, un-caring but I must say, God knows what I feel! God sees the whole picture. He knows the depth of my sorrow and that nothing can fill the Marc gap! I have to let Him have the last say so, and it’s very healing to rest in Him.
I know for some the biggest pain of all is that their child filled their emotional cup exclusively, their whole life revolved around their child, and now they are completely bereft the child is gone. It’s hard knowing what to say, but you have to let other people and interests in, and get your sights on the good you still can accomplish! My soul longs deeply for Marc every moment of the day, but his temporary loss has put my life in focus like never before. I feel his presence continually, so I’m not without consolation from him.
“Grief is proof that love is more powerful than death.” Mc Manus