(Written months ago but never posted. For those suffering loss.)
When you go thru something like your child being murdered, you’re forced to deal with 2 realities, very fast …. you either ‘sink or swim’! It’s like being tossed overboard in shark infested waters …. where the specter of death is suddenly all around and you can’t ignore it or put it off another day. You have to make critical decisions to keep whole and functioning, and my heart goes out to those who can’t get past this period.
Many of us in a crises react like in a dream at first, not really understanding what choices we’re able to have. We try to keep our heads above water the best we can, sometimes we revert to activities having nothing to do with the crises as our minds ‘forget’ we have an emergency to deal with, and they need to remember past normal pursuits.
Depression and loss knock on our door but we’re forced to deal with very practical matters, to stay strong. One of the hardest parts of losing Marc was pouring over his belongings and feeling so broken that all the things he desired or planned for on earth would not come true! But God brought me out of that pit and showed me a legacy that was far above what we’d been living or hoping for. And an understanding that death is NOT the end …. it’s not the final say so of a persons life or testimony.
I could have ended up a mess! I had a secret ‘vow’ about my 2 sons …. I felt I could not go on in life if either of them passed on before me. I even told Marc that. And …. when the enemy took him, there was a point where I longed so deeply for him I could hardly think of my own life! I remembered my ‘vow’ of thinking I couldn’t live without him. I wasn’t suicidal, it wasn’t a ‘death wish’ per se but it was like I just wanted to be lifted up by angels and go be with Marc in heaven! There was a huge force tugging at me like a magnet!
I was scared in that state for 3 days too cause I believe I saw what is inside the hearts of those who ‘accidentally’ or ‘subconsciously’ want to be with another out of pain and so they end up commiting suicide. Their minds and hearts can be weary or confused and not be rational. I stopped and recognized how that vow of supposed ‘love’ for my sons was actually trying to kill me! I knew how that feeling of loss and longing could be so powerful and seem so ‘right’, and how others without a will to live or strong faith can follow the beckoning of their inner confused state.
One thing that saved me was that I reverted to familiar routines of life. Your daily habits of faith, sanity, joy of life and sense of destiny go a long way in providing a strength that is half the battle. The other half of the battle is having comforting people around you. Numbness, shock can’t win when God’s life is in your daily habits. Scripture, sermons are not as meaningful as a hug or kind word those first several months. You have to get used to your hunches again, to trust yourself once more …. it takes time.
My blog was a great salvation and destiny builder! I was probably crazed for a sense of sanity, direction and comfort those first months. And as I wrote about grief, the case and defendants, God was working behind the scenes to reveal new things to me about my future and the young men who were in the incident with Marc. Death is not wasted if you handle it right, it’s never God’s desire to forget about someone after they’re in heaven! He’s got a destiny for each of us, and a huge present for those who dig in, wait and rest in Him.
Every person carries around inside secret vows or fears. Some are silly like, ‘you’ll never catch me wearing something like that’, or ‘I’d never own a cat, they’re so temperamental’. But other vows are serious like, ‘I’ll never marry someone who ………..’ or, ‘I’ll never forgive _____ for what they did to me, I don’t care if that’s not right’! You never think you’ll have to deal with your vows re: death, but …. vows are in us all. Some inner vows can actually destroy your life’s destiny if not caught.
Death isn’t something to be feared but to be reckoned with! Many people have lived thru the death of a precious one only to know life and God’s plan on an even deeper level. Death doesn’t have to be the deciding factor of our joy on earth. We have choices and can live by our inner vows to love others, trust God and seek our purpose on earth. We don’t have to be victimized by a long ago vow we made that we secretly fear will come true.
God is not the author of fear …. hit that demon between the eyes with words of life, conquer death!
‘Life and death is in the tongue …..’ Proverbs 18:21