I think there’s a time in life where you start thinking, ‘well, now I’ve seen it all’! It’s a normal enough assumption we make once we get a certain amount of life under our belts. In some ways, nothing an entertainer, political figure or certain friends can say or do will surprise us anymore. Sometimes jaded people say, ‘nothing can shock me anymore’! They’re saying, ‘nothing anyone does surprises me any more.’ Glad I’m not that far gone.
For some generations many parents have been taught to think they have all the time in the world to watch their kids grow and achieve their dreams. We have this huge ‘umbrella dream’ for them. I kinda did. Sometimes we put God, political or societal issues on the back burner, we don’t accept them as part of our personal lives. Calamity is ‘out there happening to others’, and we proceed with our own agenda for our kids ….. like nothing exists but our ‘good wishes’ for our kids! We hold onto those hopes or dreams fiercely!
Before Marc was taken, I thought I knew the way a persons life would be played out, but I don’t feel that way now. I never thought Marc would ‘leave’ like he did! I don’t think now that anything can ever shock me so badly …. not a war, or losing a limb. I’ve known serious pain and struggles, but I never thought this kind of loss would happen to me! Or to Marc!
I’ve written couple times how I had to fight the myth I’d held for years, that I wouldn’t feel like living once either of my children died! For several months after Marc was gone, there were times when I just wanted to crumble in a fetal position on the floor, & truly wondered, ‘how can I live with this deep brokenness’? I didn’t want anyone to see me in my complete grief, I never told anyone how bad off I was during that time. Luckily the court case was going on, and I was writing a blog on the case, so self pity didn’t stay around.
But each day things would be different from the day before. That ‘motor’ of my soul did not really want to stop living like I thought it was supposed to do! God poked His head into my affairs. He never left. It took me some months to really ‘accept’ all the ways He’d trained me for that time ….. there was an emotional, intellectual foundation that kept me stable during the period the tide wanted to take me out.
I’ve since discovered that life is richer when you acknowledge pain. Actually everyone is going thru some kind of pain daily but they just don’t vocalize it. It’s not weird if we feel loss! Not bad to feel anger! I don’t run from it like I used to. The way I see it ….. I get to have pain, I’m privileged to be the mom of a great guy who was murdered! You won’t find me complaining!
That’s why most of the time I’m content as I work on dreams & goals, cause I GET to be a person who overcame a horrific tragedy. God ripped the stinger off! You have no idea how strong it makes me feel to be free from the ‘sting’ of death! I look around at others and know I have a strength few ever know. It’s so profoundly life affirming!
Many of us are going thru things where we’re taking the ‘stinger’ of the enemy out and replacing it with a better purpose …. freedom! We’re doing that now in our political parties, shaking out cobwebs. We’re doing it in our individual lives. It’s not a new idea to remove a thorn. All moral people know this. Sometimes it feels like we’re swimming the wrong direction from most others, but God never fails to provide if we persist!