Thursday, January 1, 2015 – The Bail Hearing a week ago opened up the can of grief again. I think it’s important to deal with my mourning so that it doesn’t become this quiet pain or shame I live thru alone. I don’t want to create a barrier between others and I don’t want to lose my goal of getting justice for Marc in the courts! I can never let that happen!.
I’ve noticed I have ‘waves’ of grief, but I have to sometimes take a rain check on the feelings so I can concentrate on my pledge to Marc. I can’t plan when the grief periods will come, I think I live in fear that some sweeping depression will come and take over me. I try to deal with my emotions, pain so that doesn’t happen. I know if I pile up layers of grief I’ll be a mess emotionally and not be able to function. I’m trusting God in this issue and am not resenting the need to go to the Hearings a thousand miles away ….. however painful or time consuming they may become.
When Marc went on to his new life, my life was flooded with so many new feelings & experiences, most were alien or distasteful. I didn’t have time for much self pity as I had to deal with his affairs, Memorial and deal with family and friends who were aching or in shock too. I didn’t want to ‘fail’ Marc, the case was so very important to me. But real grief stole my sleep, and crept into my private daily habits, mocking me when I saw a crime on T.V. similar to Marc’s, or making me stop in my tracks and crumble in tears over a memory of Marc. I needed sleeping pills for a brief period, so I could get my sleep.
To be honest, at the beginning I wondered … ‘how do I make it thru such a tragedy?’ My parents lived to their mid-90’s. I had never confronted anything like losing a son before. Frankly the thought entered my mind, ‘am I going to become depressed and die early? Is this the beginning of the end for me’? This thinking scared me. I remember telling Marc couple times in the past, if he or his brother ever died before me, I wouldn’t be able to live! Then when he went to heaven, I recalled what I told him, and thought, ‘well, so far, I’m still alive, I guess I have to see how things go.’ I was almost ashamed for thinking that way, like it was sacreligious to Marc’s memory, or my vow to him.
I think the important thing for people to do in the case of sudden death is to allow feelings & questions to come to the surface, don’t fear them. Psychologists tell us that. It may seem scary to be real, but we shouldn’t give into fears. At first we’re in shock, then exhausted with pain and lack of sleep and not thinking right. But we shouldn’t let ‘fear’ control us as most fear is fantasy.
That’s one major reason I wanted to go to the Bail Hearing last week, I didn’t want to live in fear of the defendants, or my tragic memories of Portland. I didn’t want evil, or a city to oppress me. You have to fight back against oppression, and you do it with truth. Truth is a cornerstone of justice, and I need to have justice for Marc. I can’t let my selfish need to stay away from pain deprive Marc of his/our day in court, so to speak!