There are certain life experiences that are memorialized in our minds and hearts, and death is one of them. Many of us consider death as being very sacred, like birth or marriage! Religious communities commemorate them with ritual. Some deaths we know are coming, but others are so unexpected or violent.
In certain cases, I think if you’re going thru a sacred event in life, with maybe the deepest pain imaginable, you do not have to bend to some family or cultural tradition and invite someone to a funeral when you know they will treat the deceased and others with contempt, or make an angry scene. The horror stories we see in Soap Operas, etc. are actually happening in real life in some families, rich or poor, but we are so afraid to bring it out in the open.
There’s a fine line sometimes between doing the ‘right’ thing and listening to your instincts. Do we think conforming to a ritual just for the sake of pleasing others makes us a loyal member? The passing, especially of a close loved one, has resulted in deep divisions and mayhem in some families that has contaminated family relations for many years. A funeral is a sacred time for you, others …. shield yourself from the ‘nay’ sayers, the rabble rousers.
In ancient Biblical times, when life and death were honored by society at large, others outside your family would mourn with you. It must have been comforting to stand together as one body celebrating and honoring someone beloved. Abraham buried Sarah in a cave then the whole group mourned for 40 days and nights. Death was a big deal, they made it mean something. When you’re around people who value and respect others, you can go thru life and death experiences with dignity and a strong sense of the continuity of life.
Nowadays we don’t always have that respect for life and death. We aren’t bonded in life transitions like centuries before, or like certain communities still observe. I think it’s okay to question the way last respects are paid. It’s good to be aware of the needs of the sacred occasion and protect the true mourners, the deceased from ending up in deep pain and lifelong regret. I think it’s fine to not invite people who you know would cause a real disruption with the sacredness of the ceremony.
Grieving sometimes has taken on personal causes that were never intended at a sacred ceremony. Instead of turning the grief on the loss of the deceased, the comforting of others, some people have used a death to blame relatives or rage about the will. They’ve used a death to talk about how neglected or abused they were by the deceased or other family members. A funeral is not a place for malcontent relatives to rage about their issues. There are genuine soap operas going on in many families, severe dysfunction that can be dealt with ahead of time to avoid confrontation.
People will be offended if you ‘do’ or ‘don’t do’ something their way or what they regard as the proper way. People who have no care for the beloved or you will be offended no matter what is done. People will try to destroy the sacredness of the occasion, don’t let them. Be true to your mental and spiritual health. Preserve dignity and remember children are there observing how you handle things. Assign someone to deal with the ones who are thorns in others side, so the rowdy ones know what attitude is expected. Ask challenging people if they actually ‘want’ to attend, maybe they really don’t wish to attend anyway but were only going to go to be polite. Tell them your need for respect and peace, so everyone has time to celebrate a life and reflect in peace …. not chaos. A soft approach goes far.
Grieving is so essential. As busy or modern as our life may get we still need to release our emotions re: life’s sacred passages. It’s especially important to have someone hear your grief …. a loved one, friend, a journal or pastor can help sort out our deep and mixed emotions. In death there should be no ‘masks’ on, we don’t need to hide our feelings or think they are embarrassing, painful, or unmanly.
Jesus doesn’t expect us to be phony, but real or direct so others understand our need to protect the deceased and the occasion. Jesus sometimes told the skeptical mourners to leave the room before he healed. He guarded his heart. He protected the occasion from the spirit of defeat, doubt. To spoil the entire occasion for the sake of being nice does not make for good religious practice.
Our modern culture has so many blessings yet is so mixed up in some ways. We’re surrounded by everything to make life easy but there’s drive by shootings. People don’t have the bonds with others they crave. The responsibility for life they need. Maybe there should be a ‘funeral planner’ in some churches so people can mourn with dignity and not have the stress and memory of a family passage gone wrong!