******* MERRY CHRISTMAS 2016 *******
You hear it said every year that some people are depressed at Christmas, and now I just accept that as part of the package of a new life since Marc’s tragedy. I’m not saying my life is depressing, no, but just that there’s a permanent sadness or longing for Marc that peeks into my life thru the day.
Starting the third year of Marc being in heaven! There are millions of parents who’ll wake on Christmas and remember their son or daughter won’t be sharing Christmas dinner with them. Won’t be laughing with them at some movie. They won’t be able to give their child a great big hug!
Some parents children died for us in the military ….. some died from illness, an accident or overdose. My blog deals alot with violent death. It’s a type of death our culture has a hard time understanding exists.
I still miss my son very deeply every day, I don’t need reminders at holidays to pull out the hankie. Almost as soon as I close my car door after work, I sometimes will start talking to him or cry. Part of me is still questioning how I’m able to go on in life. Marc always feels close tho, thank goodness, and I tell him almost every day, ‘well, sweetheart, I’ve got a job to do here on earth, you know that.’ I love the continuity of life!
Violence has that oppressive hold on our culture that seems insurmountable. It wants to strip the hope and joy from life! I can’t deny my deep pain, I’m not looking to be ‘healed’ …. I don’t want Marc to go away. If the way I remember him has pain, then so be it. And since God’s involved in this life event, the pain isn’t the ruling emotion/memory. I have new joys like the amazing task of writing things down, sharing Marc, and bringing His purpose thru pain. That grounds me!
Pastor Les (Ferguson) has a blog similar to mine, (lesfergusonjr.com). It’s about life after part of his family was murdered. He stated, ‘Personally, I normally try to fight through my pain. I don’t want to be that guy who is always a mess of wildly fluctuating emotions. Letting myself have an old-fashioned cry isn’t my default choice.’
‘But there are those moments when the only way forward is found in entering the emotional minefield. I am doing that now by sharing with you a part of my story only a few have ever heard… ‘
It’s good finding someone who concurs with me there’s life after murder, as much as it seems the opposite should be the case. It helps hearing someone else say the same kind of things I’ve felt, admitting there’s deep pain still amidst the joy in life. We haven’t ‘forgotten’. We don’t cling either.
This Christmas some of us parents will wake up and swallow our bitter pills, but I know for me so certainly, that much joy is bound to continue in my life. I can’t compare my lot with anyone else. What the Father gives me is what I can bear!
Good stuff! Thank you for sharing!!
It takes courage to share your heart this way and be transparent about where you are and how you view God through your pain and loss. There is a purpose, Diane. You just might not know it for a while or until you sit at His feet and all is revealed. Much love and lots of prayers!