Having raised two sons and then going thru the experience of dealing with two defendants last year …. a parent wonders about the correlations between youth, family dysfunction, addiction, violence, etc. When one of the defendants in my sons case confided to me that talking about family was too unbearable, I put 2 and 2 together, and understood why he’d want to use a drug to hide the pain.
Recently I heard former Rep. Patrick Kennedy, (JFK’s nephew), share about the ‘code of silence’ that went on in the Kennedy family when it came to dealing with depression, alcoholism, addiction. He wrote at length about growing up in the Kennedy family in his book, “A Common Struggle“.
Wow, that family was really like some of us regular folk! Patrick shared many personal recollections of normal life and how he struggled to fit in and not spill the beans on the family. He shared how he’d had learning disorders as a youth, so started using something to help him. His family never dealt with the painful issues going on with some members, but hid their problems under the carpet. He described the shame of needing to help his mom hide her mental illness and alcoholism issues when people would come over to dinner.
I’m so grateful he wrote this book, I know it’s helped people. It helped me. We forget most of the time that all people are made the same, from the highest political family to the common man, we shouldn’t be so surprised to read what he describes. Not so long ago we were talking about going into therapy to deal with our neuroses, or taking RX for bi-polar or going to AA to deal with alcoholism …. now we’re talking more about bullying, heroin, violence, which is the outcome of not dealing with personal or family issues!
I was interested in what the father of last years Oregon shooting said …. he was ‘apologetic’ to the families, but he just matter of factly blamed the crime on the lack of good gun laws. He and his son had been fairly estranged, and I didn’t sense he had a genuine relationship with him. I’d read that his son struggled for years, but it didn’t seem to faze the dad. Hard to look at his face as he didn’t exhibit real tenderness or sadness, or a tear about his sons fate. Oh, how it hurt to think how likely the carnage could have been averted if the dad took interest in his son and been there at least at vital times to show his son how to solve problems, stand up to drugs, be good with girls.
Proverbs 23 talks alot about the need for fathering, the way a child’s heart needs to be guided and directed so his soul is ‘delivered from hell’. Hell can also be ‘addiction’, never finding your purpose, as well as a final destination in the afterlife. A child learns from observing a parent … ‘my son, give me your heart. Let your eyes observe my ways.’
God constructed us to feel bad if things aren’t right. Our TV’s scream ‘what’s in the heart of that guy to go kill like that’? If we don’t train up a child right of course that son or daughter will wander towards some issue or person that will fill their emotional, spiritual & intellectual needs. No one is spared ongoing pain if God is left out of their lives. We all suffer or gain purpose even if one person suffers in childhood. Luckily Patrick turned his life around and blesses others!
“His name is YAH …. the father of the fatherless …. a defender” Psalm 68:4-5
(‘A Common Struggle … A Personal Journey Through The Past & Future of Mental Illness and Addiction’)