Making It Clear About Murder And Mercy

I need to clarify maybe ….  Immediately after I heard about Marc’s murder I was in Portland and it felt like I’d been kicked hard. I wondered, ‘this is a macabre joke or something! God, I trust you, but what’s this all about, this is totally wrong for Marc to go like he did!?’ Marc and I were both law and order people …. artistic, family & ‘people’ loving Christians …. and then this terrible tragedy happened!  He didn’t fit into the image of a violent crime victim.

We both believed people should be responsible for their lives from childhood on to the end. If we do something wrong or we hurt someone, we accept blame, make it right or suffer the consequences. You’re to take responsibility even if you’re ‘under the influence’, coerced or whatever at the time of a crime.

This was what Marc and I understood, and why I never hesitated wanting justice for the crime. I gradually felt in my soul the defendants would not only be able to withstand the penalty given them but would benefit from it. I knew that shame, pain would not, on their own, cripple the boys character. So I felt some relief for what they’d face in the future.

I think it’s detrimental to a person if he/she gets away with a crime. We have gotten used to seeing many crimes where the defendant gets off so light. So, with a clear conscience,  I’ll never take back asking people to pray for justice cause all our prayers included prayers for mercy for the defendants as well. I had to get things right inside …. that just because I forgave the defendants, it’s not a sign I’m ‘soft’ on crime! I’ve learned also there are many aspects of criminal intent or blame in every crime. Every case has it’s own personality!

For months I wrestled with those conflicting thoughts about the boys, with my emotions missing Marc but my soul knowing I only wanted the truth to come out, and God’s will for all going forward.  I think you remember how I longed deeply for Marc to get justice, from day one? I wanted his murderers caught, but I wasn’t counting on finding out the defendants were so much like Marc in personality …. they were pretty nice guys, not the hardened criminal type I was fearing were responsible. Just normal young men, who had some really tough things to overcome, made some bad decisions and then ended up homeless and scared.

In most murders I think people know the murderer ….. it’s a family member, an angry co-worker, jealous husband/boyfriend. To some degree it’s possible they aggravated the person who committed the crime against them. You can’t pick your attackers always. Boy, am I lucky as it’s been such a transforming thing to get to know the defendants. In Marc’s case there was no premeditation, no other crime involved like selling drugs, robbery or sex solicitation. It was like a cloud vanishing from overhead when I found out the crime wasn’t this horrible thing as first described by an original suspect to the news. I know now the defendants never wished to be in any altercation where anyone was hurt, much less killed!

When a parent loses a child to murder, it forces you to deal with your beliefs on crime, the justice system, prison life, etc! For months I had to wade thru the court case, listen to what family/others were saying and examine what I really felt was just in this case.  It’s been very hard understanding why I feel like embracing the boys instead of holding huge anger against them or walking away. Very hard at times to ‘wrap my head around’ being nice to them, like I’m betraying Marc or changing my moral guidelines …. which I’m not.

I needed to know if I was deceiving myself? Grief can do crazy things to your mind. Was I just lonely for Marc and substituting the defendant for him in some way? But …. from the beginning I saw how God comforted me thru scripture, friends, the best legal, criminal teams for the case. I’ve received joy and closeness to Marc thru the blog, as I can talk of him and share about our life. My blog really keeps the loneliness and anguish at bay.

What a contrast between Marc’s case and say the Orlando shooting case!  What a difference between the types of suspects, outcomes! Murder is terrible but I’m so grateful for the way God honored Marc and his case.

I still miss you so much, Marc, but you’re staying alive in ways you never could have fathomed!

(First posted June 21, ’16)