I feel a deep pang when I start to talk about Marc sometimes. I can talk about my desire for justice, or the details of the defendants or court stuff. But when it comes to saying the ‘D’ words …. ‘death, died, dead’ …. it seems so alien, painful! I feel mad!
Death doesn’t have a place in my relationship with Marc, what’s happened to him has just moved our relationship to another plane of living. I can sometimes say ‘murdered’ cause it stirs in me the reminder of the injustice done to him, but I don’t accept any word that suggests that’s the ‘end’, or whatever.
Another huge part of losing a child is viewing them for the last time, (that was terribly hard to write). On the day I got to see Marc, I asked the attendant to give me his arm as we walked to Marc’s room. I felt like fainting on the car ride over, I didn’t know if I could stand well on my own.
I had a huge fear of seeing this ‘pasty’ person so unlike the Marc I loved. I guess I was resentful to God just wondring why I had to go thru this part of the whole mess. Take this cup from me, Lord, please!
But, WOW … was I surprised!! When I walked into his room I was surrounded by the deepest joy, there was incredible love in that place! I couldn’t feel real grieved, but just gasped and gushed to the attendant at how natural Marc looked …. it was so weird, amazing! It was like he could just get out of that box thing and come down and join me for a chat!
The second thing that surprised me when I saw him lying there was that I ‘saw’ that little smile at the corners of his mouth he’d have when he was content with something. Right then I knew he was at peace too. He seemed so fully alive, almost like he was taking a nap, and he’d wake and talk with me. What a profound experience! I’ve never read of anyone having this kind of experience but I’m sure someone has before!
I couldn’t help but stroke his strong arms, cradle his head in my arms the best I could. I even tweaked his nose a couple times, like when you tweak a baby’s cheek. I just talked to him and told him how much I loved him. I told him what a man he was, and also what a fine son he’d been. I thanked God for the best son in the world (alongside his brother), and sang the hymn that was playing.
I didn’t feel alone. We were ‘communicating’, and it wasn’t a sad time but …. a ‘good’ time, just the two of us. I told myself this event might be too depressing to bear but ….. the pang of death was absent! I praise God for that last time on earth with him. I asked if I could cut a lock of his hair and the attendant brought me a scissors so I could have a little bit of him to take with me. He supplied the envelope and was so accomodating and gracious.
I was so moved by the encounter I went out to get Marc’s dad and our family friend, Dr. Vandermolen. I told them ‘you’re not going to believe it but Marc looks so good, it’s not sad in there’! So we all got to say our earthly farewell to Marc, and sob together.
At what you think is going to be the saddest moment in your life, It’s just so profound what can happen if you accept and let God dictate the environment. I have no words for what happened in that space, in that farewell. I saw as well as felt this light permeating the entire atmosphere, too wild for words!
My parents passed on and I’m very appreciative for so much they gave me, but after they died I went back to my life. But that’s not how it’s been with Marc. That awesome young man left such an indelible mark on a number of us! People have been sending hugs and support for me, sharing their deepest love for Marc …. they still do after 3 months!
The old family tradition is gone with the wind as far as I’m concerned. Marc and I broke out of that tradition of leaving the dead to themselves …. I’m so glad!